L.O.V.E. Struck - Siren

Well I think this is possibly the hardest thing I have had to write about to date.  It is something I have kept inside for nearly 2 years now, but apparently, it is time to share… so my Muse tells me.

The “Lightning Bolt” experience is something that many of us have talked about in the past and one that all of us seem to be able to relate to.  Everyone’s story is unique and beautiful in its details, but ultimately, they all have one common factor:  this sudden, otherworldly, powerful infusion of LOVE that fills us to overflowing and shocks us with an energy and electricity that surges through us and leaves us feeling irrevocably altered… raptured by Michael’s Love. 

Everyone, that is, except me…

I have no “Lightning Bolt” story.  I did not have that moment of intense bliss and over flowing joy that hit me without warning, and rendered me changed.  It just simply was not given to me.  I have often wondered why it was that Michael missed me.  For a long time I wondered if I had even been chosen at all.  What happened to me was very confusing.  It still is.  Most of the time I don’t understand any of it.  Maybe I should just start at the beginning…

The beginning for me was Thriller.  I was 13, and I have fragmented memories of Michael then.  I remember my sister attending the Victory concert, and how upset I was that I couldn’t go.  I remember I had a Beat It jacket, and thinking I was just so cool when I wore it… lol.  I remember when Bad was released.  I was 18… and I remember blaring the cassette tape at work, trying to teach my friends the words to The Way You Make Me Feel.  Stop.  Rewind.  Play.  Hey pretty baby with the high heels on, you give me fever like I’ve never ever known… over and over… God, we had so much fun.  I remember going for long walks late at night when I couldn’t sleep, with Michael playing on my Walkman, and not being able to stop myself from dancing, hoping no one was watching.  I remember Dangerous.  I remember the Oprah interview.  I remember the Black and White video when it aired on TV.  I remember the HIStory album... and the statue floating down the River Thames.  I remember the Chandler allegations and the settlement.  I remember drug rehab.  I remember His marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, children, trial (although I did not follow it)….  It’s funny, when I look back now, I recognise that I felt a deep connection to Michael even then, but I wasn’t really aware of it.  I didn’t examine it… or try to analyse it.  I just felt comforted knowing Michael was out there.  I was not a fan who followed His every move.  I just loved His music, and loved Him.   

The last thing I remember, I was waiting for more concert dates to be announced… believing that He would definitely be scheduling something – if not here in Canada – then certainly in the U.S. once He was finished His dates at the O2 Arena.  I was finally going to see Michael in concert.  I couldn’t wait.

June 25^th, 2009.  Text message:  “Michael Jackson died”.

It’s funny how my life seems to be in slow motion ever since that moment.   Everything seems to have gone quiet… like on a foggy day, how everything is muted somehow.  No lightning bolt... not even any thunder.  Silence. 

I didn’t cry for the longest time.  I wanted to.  Badly.  I felt desperate for some kind of release… but the tears wouldn’t come.  When This Is It opened, I sat with friends in that dark theatre, wondering what my reaction would be.   And then on that huge screen… there He was – bigger than life as always – my Michael.  He drew me in, as only He could.  I was completely enthralled throughout.  I remember noticing details about Him that I had missed before… like how big His hands were, and how graceful He looked at times… like a ballet dancer.  I was mesmerized by Him.  In fact, as I watched, I completely forgot that He was gone. 

Finally, Man In The Mirror came on...  Awash in blue light, I watched as this Angel performed before my eyes.   He was beautiful.  His movement, His voice, His energy.  Love flowed from Him.  I was totally captivated until the very end.

Then I remembered… 

and as the words “Love Lives Forever” appeared on the screen I felt a deep, unfathomable pain in my chest, and then a fleeting moment of fear, wondering how I was possibly going to go on without Him.   I didn’t even know why.  I waited… expecting to have some kind of a break down.  Nothing.   I left the theatre almost paralysed… the weight of Michael crushing down on me.  I felt dizzy, and sick.  Decimated. Unrecoverably so.  I knew that whatever this was, that I would never be the same again… that my life, as it once was, had ended. 

For weeks after, I carried this debilitating pain, without release.   I spent a lot of time online, looking for Him.  Books, pictures, videos… anything I could find.  I remember one day, I came across a picture of Him from the HIStory tour… all in gold and looking gorgeous.  I was shocked at myself being attracted to Him in that way.   It was something that had never once crossed my mind.  Why now?  What was happening to me?  I knew I was falling in Love with Him… and I knew I didn’t want to.  I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me… and I was frightened.   Shortly after, I stumbled across an MJ forum on Amazon (Why I’m Still Crying Over Michael Jackson) which is where I met many of the beautiful people that have become my support system, and some of my dearest friends.  It was completely outside my character to post on a forum… but something took me over and I couldn’t help myself.  It was so healing to discover that there were others out there that were having a similar experience.  I was not alone… And I was not crazy.  I spent about a year there, pouring my heart out, and listening while others did the same, all of us trying to figure out what was happening to us… and what we were supposed to do with it.  It was at this time that I became aware of a phenomenon that we now refer to as the “Lightening Bolt”.  I loved reading how each of my friends described their own unique moment.  The sudden wave of Love that shocked them and left them reeling.  I waited for my turn… for that moment when Michael would gift me with the glory of His touch, and I could share the details of my story – shaking and unable to type through my excitement.  It never came.  I felt like I’d been left behind.  Like all those around me had been chosen… but somehow Michael had forgotten me. 

Over time, I’ve gotten used to the idea that I was not struck.  I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and trying to figure out why, and although I remain heartbroken about it, I have come to accept that I will never have the answer to that.  My path to Michael has been very isolating.  I wonder sometimes if I’m even supposed to be on this journey.  Did He really choose me, or did I just choose Him?  I guess what I finally decided was that I can’t wait forever for an absolution that may never come.  That I just have to go forward with whatever this is, because the truth is, I can’t NOT.  I do know that Michael is deeply embedded in my soul… that He is my reason for everything now.  There is not a moment in my life in which He is not present.  There is no thought in me that He is not a part of.  I am infused with Him completely.  I am altered because of Him.  His Love consumes me.  He has my heart and He IS my soul.  Of that I have no question.  So I am left to wonder… if it wasn’t a Lightning Bolt that put Him there… what was it? 

Maybe I inhaled Him with the scent of Black Orchid…

or maybe He snuck in through one of my dreams as I slept…

Maybe it was osmosis, or magic… or something?

Or maybe…

just maybe…

He was already there.

REMEMBER?

Don’t I know You?

Weren’t we lovers once?

Didn’t I worship You in a lifetime long forgotten?

Wasn’t it You who saved me then?

Is this You that has come to rescue me once again?

Your memory haunts me

Your innuendo licks at my soul

It’s Your scent that lingers

It’s Your name that sits on my tongue

I think I’m remembering now…

These tears of mine aren’t new

There’s an ancientness to them

Is this the beginning or the end of us?

Does this Circle know the difference?

Am I repeating myself?

Are You?

Tell me Lover, why do You hide Yourself from me?

Why do I only catch Your shadow?

Your illusiveness frustrates me…and leaves me wanting.

I can’t define You.  I can’t unwind You.

Why can’t I remember You?....

You rush upon me like a wave

And I am dragged under by Your tide

Flooded by memories of You that I can’t reach

Drowning in Your bliss

And the mystery of You.

Uplifted by Your Truth

Renewed by Your Light

Revived by Your Grace

Alive in Your Love…

…this is sounding familiar…

I wonder though, if I remember You, will You stay?

Or is it I who wanders away?

Is it You who has been seeking me all this time?

Could it be that I was lost?

and now am found?.....

Or perhaps we’ve always been together

Maybe our hearts have always been entwined

Inseparable

Impossible to untangle

Forever One.

If only I could remember……

-Siren

05/22/11

Copyright 2011 © by Siren

How Can This Be.......? - Nina Hamilton

My first memories of Michael Jackson go way back to the late 1960's and the Jackson 5, and a small boy's vibrant voice ringing out, 'ABC', 'Rockin Robin', and 'I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.'
Since then I have been busy with my life, until 41 years later, on June 25th, 2009, my world was rocked, like time and the Earth stood still.
I had seen him in March, announcing his 02 Arena concerts, and felt the magic, thought he looked good, still had 'it'. So when the TV Breaking News stated, 'MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD,' I froze with a numb emptiness. 'What? Oh dear,' I said. 'OH DEAR?' A few days passed while I was very uneasy, until on June 30th, I sat, entranced, and watched a TV music three-hour documentary of his top 40 videos; and I was hooked.
My heart hurt and was heavy. I cried tears of pain for his loss, not sure why. I began researching on-line to find his videos, songs, photographs, anything, like someone possessed. I left and read messages on his official website, searched for any news about him on different websites. I wrote emotional poetry.
Four months later I am still suspended in an almost trance-like state; can't stop thinking about him, like he has taken over my heart and soul. So unbelievable as, until I saw those videos, I had regretfully not seen him too much, except for in 'Black Or White. 'But now I can't get enough, totally hooked, cds, dvds, magazines, books, posters; you name it.'
So terribly tragic he had to die before I realised what we have lost, and not appreciated what we had, thinking he would always be there. But that is 'human nature'(his song), guess. Still, I can always hear or see him on a cd, or dvd for ever, and more songs are to be released.
I saw him in 'This is It' at the cinema, a sensational experience, absolutely tremendous, mind-boggling, spectacular. MJ was so energetic, so alive (although rather thin), especially in his long riveting 'Billie Jean' dance routine, as electric as ever, when the other performers and crew began whistling, stomping, clapping and cheering. He was so happy and enjoying himself, fit and not too out of breath. His voice was wonderful. You could say he died happy. I will certainly buy the dvd next year. (And I did!) Now I understand what mesmerising means.
I was inspired to donate money each month at least ten charities, more than I have ever done before.
I planted a Mountain Ash sapling in his name. I started voluntary work as a Reading Helper at a local primary school with Michael's Reading Foundation in London in mind. I bought £70 worth of toys at my local The Entertainer Shop (apt!) and took them into Birmingham, UK. to the Princess Diana Children's Hospital, wearing a white Smooth Criminal-type hat, including a card in honour and memory of MJ with photographs of him and Princess Diana, in November, 2009 in time for Christmas.
I leave cards containing his messages whenever I go somewhere new; a wonderful idea from a Facebook member via the MJ Fan Club.
I hug people more and try to show more love. All this is a great comfort and I feel filled with warmth and love.
My latest efforts include sending toys to Polish orphanages; money towards the building of an orphanage in Kenya in his name, to be called 'Everland' with a plaque and photographs of him so the children know; and to the International Orphanage Lifeline for what would have been his 53rd birthday.
It is hard to grasp he is gone. Why wasn't better care taken of him? Those 02 concerts would have been 'out of this world' and 'blown us all out of the water' as it said in the brochure. I loved the end when he does his iconic little dance up onto his toes, and you can hear his faint distant laughter.
My life and I have been completely changed and I am still finding out more overwhelming things about Michael Jackson all the time. He truly is for ever.
We must be proud and happy for him, for what he has achieved in his life, grateful for what he has left us; the fantastic images, his music, his beautiful children, and his hopes for the world, which we can all follow, to do what he desired most, to make that change.
That is my story.

Best wishes to you.

All for L.O.V.E.

Nina.

Born Again - Brenda Beazley

In Heaven with Michael

After Michael Jackson died, I became suddenly TOTALLY enthralled with his music, his dancing, and his life story. At the time of his death, all the MTV stations were playing his videos non-stop and I couldn't stop watching. I was mesmerized. I had always liked Michael Jackson, all the way back to his Jackson5 days. I bought the Thriller LP when it came out in 1982. That was the only recording of his I’d ever bought (Bob Dylan and Van Morrison held my attention for the most part--but now they're #2 and #3--Michael is now and always will be my #1). But I ALWAYS admired Michael’s talent, ALWAYS believed in his innocence, and NEVER believed any of the negative press about him. Suffice it to say, I soon began to describe myself as a “born-again” Michael Jackson fan. I went out and bought CDs of every recording of his I could find, as well as every DVD of his short films and live performances that I could find. I printed out the lyrics to all of his songs. I spent hours and hours at the local book store reading every book about his life that I could find, before realizing I had to buy them all for myself anyway. I saw “This Is It” seven times at the theatre, three times by myself, and of course bought the DVD. Oh, and I ordered a new license plate for my car---MJFEVER. I told my husband, "It's either the license plate or a tattoo.” The only thing I was able to attribute my “infatuation” to was my sudden TOTAL awareness of the wonderment on the one hand, and the sadness and tragedy on the other hand, of his personal life story; my heightened awareness of the vastness of his talent and brilliance at his craft; his extensive humanitarian efforts toward world peace and saving and healing the planet; and the incredible loss I felt from his death and its impact on his millions and millions of fans all around the world. And I discovered that Michael Jackson was far and away even more talented than I ever could have imagined, having finally heard all the music he produced and witnessed (by video) how incredibly talented he was as a performer and entertainer. His songs span a range of styles so vast that I could hardly believe just one human being could be capable of it, and some of his songs and their words and their message and his voice pull at my heart like nothing has ever done before. I've described to friends how, to me, his voice sounds like the voice of an angel, and when I listen to his songs and the message they send I feel as if I'm being touched by an angel. I’ve stopped total strangers and told them these things. The winter following Michael’s death we had a blizzard with more than two feet of snow. I took a long walk in the woods the day after when the sun was shining, the sky was as blue as the ocean, the trees casting shadows across the glistening forest floor, listening to Michael on my old Sony Walkman/headphones; and I felt that if there’s a heaven on earth, I was standing in it. And still, whenever I hear those same songs I listened to that day, I can see and feel those same beautiful images I saw and felt that day. If anything good can come from something so tragic as Michael’s death, I feel that what I've found in Michael is truly a gift. It is so achingly sad at times, and breathtakingly glorious at others--a gift I'm so grateful to have been one of the chosen to receive--when so many others still reject him. Why me? And yet, I'd give it all up this moment if it could bring him home again. And, well, I could just go on and on and on.”

TAKE CARE, MY FELLOW MJ FRIEND... L.O.V.E. Brenda

How Michael Inspires Me - Marjolein Lukas

Michael changed my life. I know this sounds like a cliché, but I mean it.

He turned my world upside-down and in a whole new direction.

I wasn’t a big fan before…. When I was growing up and entering my teens, there was Thriller. Like every other kid in my neighbourhood I loved it. And every time it was shown on TV, somehow we knew about it, and rushed home to watch it. 

In the years to follow, I heard bits and pieces of what people said and wrote about Michael. Michael himself was nowhere around in my life. Didn’t follow up on his music and career. Just heard the lies. Didn’t believe it, but just thought to myself: What a shame, such a nice man, victim of the dirty games people play, oh well… that is just the way it goes in this world….

(nowadays I can’t believe I was thinking like this, but I’m ashamed to say I was…)

I heard the news of his passing on when I was in my car on my way to work, had to stop for a while to pull myself together, had no idea why I was so upset, but I was… I came at work in a state of shock and was surprised to find others who felt kind of the same. It was buzzing around the halls in the school where I work all day. Then it faded into the background.

At the night of the memorial service I was visiting a friend. He has no TV and I was feeling very restless, I felt I had to watch the service, I had to get out of there, so I did… I listened to it on the car radio and when I got home I watched the service on tv, and broke down. There’s no other word for it. After a while there I was in ruins, just bits and pieces left of me….

Then something told me to go and search for the truth. Like I said before, never believed a word about what I heard and read everywhere about this man, but never bothered to look for the truth until then….. I was sleeping my way through life up till then…. Scared of feeling, scared of living, had some nasty experiences in my past which made me this way, but as I discovered Michael’s message I woke up. I decided: “Enough is enough. This man was an angel. It’s time the world knows the truth, things have to change!”

As I was making new friends from all over the world, who found each other at the forum of HTWF, and later on on Face book I got on the rollercoaster ride of my life and finally heard the message he was talking/singing/living.

It wasn’t a new message, I heard it before: The message of LOVE, but this time I really heard it, felt it and I started living it. I was able to heal myself through that message. Things really changed… For me and through me for others. I remember the first time I decided to be really open and kind to people I encountered, to smile at them, because a smile is one of the first steps to a better world… At first people got confused, then they started to smile back. Little conversations where in the “old” days there would be silence… Now I can say from experience: “A smile brightens up the day”

And my art, my painting changed. How could it not?

One of the first paintings I made inspired by Michaels message ( “If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make that change”) tells the whole story. Listening to “Man in the mirror” this was what I had to paint…. And as I painted my hand taking down the wall, stone by stone, and let the world in, I did also in real life….

In every painting I make there is Michael….Michaels’ message of LOVE.

And that message seems to catch on, this year I’m invited to show my art in three different places.

Besides the paintings I started another little project called: Spread the LOVE…my way.

Wherever I go I leave a trail of cards behind with quotes for a better world from Michael and a picture of one of the paintings.

And I got a fantastic gift from two of my friends; They gave me my own little playground on the worldwide web: www.lukas-art.com

Somehow I think by sharing Michaels message of LOVE we will be able to Heal the World. That’s the plan :-)

MJFC has sort of adopted this project and I get messages from all over the world telling me they are going to do the same thing….

So when you’re talking about a lightning bolt experience… I think I had one, and it’s still going on…. LOVE to you!

Froggy's Story - Froggy Jackson

I was born 10 years before Michael so when he hit the scene big-time I was 20 and he was 10.  That’s a big age difference at that time of life.  I remember hearing some of the Jackson 5 music but it sounded teeny bop to me (sorry Michael, lol).  I was into the English invasion of music like the Kinks, the Yardbirds, the Birds, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, the Animals, the Who, the Small Faces, Jeff Beck with Rod Stewart before the Yardbirds plus many more.  I was also at the University engaged in studies and demonstrating against the Viet Nam war.  For those of you who were born in Michael’s era or later you didn’t have to live with the ghastly idea that your boyfriends, brothers, cousins, friends were being forced to go to a small Asian country and kill or be killed.  My generation were the first to see through the business of war yet they were forced to go anyway or flee to another country which some did.  Others came home permanently scarred for life or in body bags.  It was a terrible time.  So I remember hearing Michael and his brothers and Stevie Wonder too but my mind was on my university studies and the demands that war was creating.

Later, in the 70s I remember hearing something of Michael’s from the Off the Wall album.  Since I enjoyed jazz in addition to pop and rock I think I heard Lady in My Life and instantly fell in love with it.  I bought the album and got my first look at Michael on it’s cover.  My first thoughts were “Who is this adorable boy????”  He was the cutest thing and I was immediately smitten big time.  Not to mention bowled over by the maturity and depth of that album.  Next I bought his Thriller album and thrilled to that.  Sometime around this time I did manage to drive 150 miles north to Vancouver, Canada and catch him and his brothers in the Victory Tour.  Of course, I only had eyes for Michael . . . Afterwards my life took over again, establishing my career during the late 70s, 80s and 90s.  Michael faded to the background.  I don’t remember hearing anything about the 90s problem with the Chandlers but I did know about the 2005 trial.  Like Charlotte said, how could you not?  But I found the claims so outrageous that I literally turned off the garbage.  I couldn’t listen to that sh*t.  I do remember breathing a huge sigh of relief tho’ that he’d been found not guilty on all counts.  Then he faded from my mind once again. 

On 6/25/2009 I remember exactly where I was.  I was standing in our RV making breakfast with the TV on.  I had heard a little earlier that day that Farrah Fawcett’s passing was imminent.  I was sending her prayers for a passing that was filled with ease.  So that’s why I kept the TV on.  I was waiting for the announcement for when Farrah’s time had come.

 Then I heard the news of Michael being rushed to the hospital.  I immediately put that info out of my mind.  Interesting how quickly we’ll find a way to deny what’s happening.  Later I thought it would probably end up being nothing.  I pretty much assumed that the next news would be that his condition was ‘under control’, he was stabilized, etc. then I could relax and wait to find out why he’d been rushed to the hospital.  But that’s not the way it turned out .

When I heard he’d passed away I was just stunned.  Again, I put it totally out of my mind.  I was in such shock that I couldn’t allow the reality into my mind.  I just looked up the definition of shock and this is what it said:  Something that jars the mind or emotions as if with a violent unexpected blow.  I came later to realize I’d felt shock because for the days from 06/29 to 07/07 I just went through the motions and pretty much kept Michael’s passing out of my mind. 

Then I decided to watch the Memorial Service.  I HAD to watch.  I had to face it.  I would stop being “busy” and tend to this man, by being present and engaged with the service to pay tribute and honor him and his contribution.  That’s when this protective cocoon I’d made for myself burst like a dam and the tears started to roll and wouldn’t quit.   I’d awaken in the night as if in a nightmare, my cheeks streaked with tears.  Next I’d creep into the bathroom and sob uncontrollably into a towel.  I had to be quiet because I didn’t want my husband to wake up.  How could I explain my devastation for a man I didn’t know and whose music I hadn’t listened to in probably at least two decades?  But it didn’t matter.  I couldn’t stop crying and weeping.  Never had I experienced a broken heart like this one.  I was inconsolable. 

All that summer my husband pretty much got into fishing, his favorite activity and gladly I was left alone in the RV.  It was during this time that I discovered Youtube.  I made myself a channel and I gorged on Michael’s music.  I could hardly believe it but I began writing down the songs that I loved and just had to have and in no time I had written down over a 100 songs!  I was amazed at how I seemed to like at least 99.9% of every single song he sang.  WOW.  Usually, in the past I’d have to buy an album to get one or two songs off it that I loved and the rest were just mediocre.  Now the reverse happened.  I absolutely loved and craved every single song he sang.  I couldn’t get enough of him. 

I remember dreaming of him at night and feeling like he was the Love of my Life.  I’d fallen so irretrievably, deeply and passionately in love with this man and I was absolutely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved me as completely as I loved him.  I lived on the sweet, sweet nectar of his love for months and months feeling like I was so special.  I felt like I'd fallen in love and the whole world was new and sparkly and bright.  I felt like I'd fallen in love for the very first time and again I was totally confused and confounded at what had happened to me.  What had happened to me?  How could something like this even be possible?  I couldn’t explain it to a single living soul and when I tried all I did was break down into sobs again.

I remember losing my appetite and I started losing weight.  I hadn’t lost my appetite to an emotional situation for probably 30 years.  What in the world was happening to me?  And it was so difficult to keep myself composed around my husband and engage with our friends at the RV park.  I didn’t want to be around anyone but Michael.  I had no desire to meet new people and make “happy face”.  I got some of the memorial magazines that came out during that summer and I would go to the sand dunes, me and JJ the dog, and I’d just sit there, read some of the magazines and mostly cry and sob my heart out.  I took to walking along on the beach shouting “Michaellllllll, I love Youuuuuuu” over and over again. 

I was so broken open.  I felt like such a mess.  I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or something.  Never had I suffered a grief like this.  Not even when my parents died.  It was during this time when I was spending mostly all my free time on youtube falling head over heels in love with Michael that I heard someone mention the MJJ community on Amazon.com.  So I decided to go check it out.  That was easy enough because by now I had a shopping cart filled up with Michael items that I had to have and so I found Why Am I Still Crying Over Michael Jackson forum sometime in September, 2009. 

That began a profound saga of sharing my grief, finding information to questions, treasuring the friendship of all these other people, mostly women, who were feeling exactly like I was.  It was during this time of deep bonding with Michael’s other ladies that we coalesced around the idea that we’d been struck by a Lightening Bolt of such divine love energy that we’d all been permanently altered by it.  I remember thinking to myself how could I describe in metaphor what it felt like had happened and I was thinking in terms of being struck by Cupid’s Bow because truly I’d never felt such divine love like that . . . so I did a little research into that story and . . . it didn’t quite fit.  That’s when Lightening Bolt struck my mind.  I came up with that term, shared it on the forum and from there everyone just took ownership of it.  It was something we could all absolutely relate to because that’s what happened.  We were struck by Michael Lightening Bolt of Divine Love.  It’s almost 2 years now since that bolt struck me  and I’m still on Michael’s Path more than ever.  In fact, he feels very close to me, like he has some gift, something he wants to share with me and so I’m following him, following his lead, embracing this path that is leading me Home and to Him.  It’s like a Journey now.  A journey with Michael.  I haven’t got a clue what’s around the bend but like he said “It’s a Great Adventure” and my God, how true that is♥

Spirited Away With Michael - Kathie Kim Clevenger Person

My Lightning Bolt happened summer of 2009. I was not a fan of Michael's previously. I had Thriller on vinyl and noticed him here and there.  By the time of the second allegations I thought "I doesn't look good for him."  But I never really paid any attention to that kind of thing.  

I refused to watch anything on T.V. about his death and services.  I was even I bit mad that he "stole" some of Farrah's light.  Then on the 4 of July my husband was flipping through T.V. channels and we caught part of a Michael story which made us want to see his short films.  We found the same 5 playing on every channel.  So I hit the computer and started searching for Michael there.  I couldn't tear myself away from the You Tubes of interviews and concerts or anything Michael. I discovered this beautiful human being, a wonderful man.  There was so much more to him than the entertainer they always portrayed on T.V.  Then on July 21, 2009, in the morning I woke up at 7 (early for me) and I started to cry because we had to claim bankruptcy, but even more so because I felt awful about Michael and how he was treated and all he had gone through. I knew by what I had read he was not capable of the things of which he was accused. (I know a bit about being wrongfully accused, personally.) They even made me doubt him.  What right did I have to judge him.  What did I know?  So I would cry and apologize to Michael and I would feel as though some one comforted me. I would calm down for a little bit then I would think of something else that he went through and cry again. Heart wrenching, body quaking sobs almost to the point of being physically ill. Again I would feel as though I was being comforted. It got to the point of me saying to no one there: "Whatever you want but I won't sell my soul to the devil." I had no idea why I had said that... 

TIn the meantime I found MJTP and Inner Michael and started piecing some things together. While chatting with people on MJTP or researching Michael I would get what I called "waves of love" through my chest and put my arms out and tears would roll down my cheeks as I said "I love you , too." They were tears of joy and the action just happened... I knew of one other person on MJTP feeling the waves of loves, as well.  We rarely "spoke" to each other but it confirmed for me that Michael had something to do with it. That was the beginning of this incredible journey for me.

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It took awhile to learn it was a spiritual awakening and that Michael had a hand in it (I feel) and it was just in time for this ascension. I had no idea of any of this. I find all of this rather amazing. I keep looking into things and I wonder just what it is I am "to do".  I have heard a few theories but I would love to be able to speak of this with you.  I don't follow any religion and as far as spirituality goes I considered my love of music and dance my spirituality.  In fact I have never felt comfortable in church.  There are some long, involved stories of my life thus far that I would like to spare you that help to explain things.  As far as all this is concerned, I am still learning things just about every day.

Much Love, Kathie

My Story - Charlotte Stanley

I am so not a celebrity follower, so to me I knew of Michael Jackson because you would have to be living under a rock to not know him in some form. I knew of the Jackson 5 growing up but in the 70's where Im from there wasnt much exposure to me of black americans. I remember growing up being a big Osmond fan. In fact I was in Love with Donny Osmond. I wanted to marry him. To me I thought the Jackson group was copying The Osmonds. What did I know? Donny Osmond was on all the teen magazines I used to get. I know Michael was on some of those magazines, but either I never noticed him or he wasnt exposed much.... I truly cant remember him much but when I see old magazines now for sale I see he was there. I dont recall hearing too much of their music growing up either. By the time I was graduating from high school is when Thriller was just coming to its peak in 1983. I do remember Off The Wall and I really liked some of those songs and some of the earlier songs of The Jacksons stuff after they left Motown. It was nothing more than appreciating the songs, in fact I dont think I even associated that it was them until after Thriller got huge. Then of course I saw everything that every one else did because Michael became very exposed to everyone. Still I admired Michael as an artist and loved his videos and music but you know I never even bought his albums. I was very into music and tech at this time. I had great Hi Fi equipment and very nice stereo system but I never bought the Thriller album. What? I guess because it was a time when albums were starting to go the wayside and soon the digital age was just starting to arrive and CD's were coming out. I was into cutting edge technology so I think I kind of  stopped buying records to opt for the cds when they came out.  I never even bought Thriller on CD though. I was beginning to go out into the world at this time of my life and so music and all that became less important. I had other expenses and such.

As I went into my eventual career,  that took over completely. I only knew of Michael by the songs played on the radio and what was on television and what I heard in the media. Im not one to believe everything I hear even if it was the media. I guess I must have seen something in Michael, that childlike innocence he seemed to have, but I never really believed the lies. Im sure I had some doubt at times but even if he was a pedophile it didnt matter to me. It was just in one ear and out the other. I do remember watching some of the Bashir interview but I think they broadcast it in parts originally and I dont think I saw the whole thing. I do remember the media making a big deal about the part with Gavin. Thats when I really remember the sensationalism with him started. Whatever I watched was just curiosity and a passing fancy. I think I kinda felt sorry for him and I remember thinking could this really be true? He just doesnt seem like that to me, but again I thought what do I know about pedophiles? I didnt follow Michaels life enough to know anything other then what was fed  by mainstream media. Still I never turned from his music. Whatever people said about him didnt matter to me. I thought , well hes rich and famous so maybe hes weird but I like his music and hes a great entertainer so who cares about his personal life. I cant beleive thats the way I thought but I did.

Now Ive thought that maybe since Michael has been in the background of my Life because of the era of my growing up and his age is not far from mine, and in fact is the same age as my husband is as Michael is only 4 months older. I thought these were the reasons maybe that his death had such an interest.... I dont know. When Michael passed away I never made that much of it though on the day it happened. I was shocked as so much of the world because I think everyone thinks of Michael as forever youthful and that hed always be around. I didnt even know anything of the what he was doing in recent years. Like I said whatever I heard about him was a blip of news here and there. The world always wanted to know what he was doing but he was slowly fading away after the trial. I do remember seeing the pain and hurt in his eyes after the trial. At that time in my life  I was so concentrating on my career etc and life and my own problems, never a thought much went into anything else.

Now Ive always been spiritual but  I think I was just not in tune like I am now. This is the amazing thing. After a few weeks went by and a lot of coverage of Michaels passing, somehow I couldnt stop thinking of him. It just didnt go in one ear and out the other like it used to. I dont know why either. For some reason I felt compelled to research everything. I just had to know for myself the real man behind Michael Jackson. Why did this matter to me? It wouldnt effect my life one way or the other. To say the least Michaels life was fascinating. In learning about him, the more I wnted to know and I was amazed how much there was to know that was out there to discover and how everything I had heard years before was so misconstued and well we all know the rest. I had such deep sorrow for this man I never knew in real life. I couldnt understand what was happening to me. I was obsessed with knowing him. I felt like I did know him. I felt like I had lost a family member. I thought it would go away but as the months went by it got stronger. I discovered the Cry forum in Nov. 2009. I felt like I was losing my mind and I thought maybe there are others out there. I wonder... hmmm there must be or Im going crazy. I googled something, dont remember what I put, but it brought me to find the Cry forum that Ale started. I found a home there and what a relief it was. There were others. Wow, I was amazed and we all were on the same discovery train and helping each other, supporting one another, learning from each other. I can safely say my life will never be the same. I can now reflect, and I totally believe Michael has led me to the path. I still dont know what and why me and why the timing but Im grateful. I have described this as a spiritual awakening to my mother and some (very few) friends in my life. It is still hard to talk about to non understanding people. I dont think a spiritual awakening is hard to understand, but the fact that its from Michael is the hard part to explain.

So thats my story. Im still discovering and trying to incorporate Michael into my life and find ways to expose him to others. This is not an easy task but I feel a mission that we were all chosen for.